Making a Mistake: Oh no! I’ve made a mistake, what do I do?

Let’s say, you’ve read our section on pronouns and active allyship, or you are already familiar with these concepts but sometimes we don’t always get it right the first time. Whether you’ve made mistakes or are hoping to avoid doing so, it doesn’t need to be an ordeal. Mistakes are completely understandable if they are just that, a mistake. We all do them, so let’s learn how to practically resolve a situation once it’s commenced.  

 Here are 4 ways to approach incorrectly using someone’s pronouns or name: 

1. Simply apologise  

Apologise, acknowledge your mistake, and explain how you will approach it next time. Acknowledging your mistake upfront shows your intention to respect the other person. Whether we were running on an assumption and didn’t ask, or we completely forgot how they voiced to be acknowledged – there is always room for self-correction. For example:  “Whoops! I want to acknowledge that I incorrectly referred to you earlier. I’m still learning and will be more mindful in the future. I apologise for that, I’m sorry.”  Or be even more brief: “I’m sorry, I used the wrong pronouns.”  

2. Amend your mistake 

An apology is not one without changed behaviour. Move forward in the conversation by using their correct pronouns. If you are uncertain of someone’s pronouns, it’s best not to make assumptions, just ask. This can go something like: “I’m really sorry but I’ve completely blanked on your pronouns, what were they again?”  If it's the first time: “I would like to refer to you correctly, what are your pronouns?” During speech, you can slow down when nearing pronouns and practice being correct. This helps you be more intentional, which should minimise the chances of making a mistake in the future.  Also, if you don’t have the opportunity to ask, then there you can always go back to using all-gender pronoun set ‘they/them’, or their name when referring to them. 

3. Respect others’ identity  

To show we have regard for others, we should treat them the way we would like to be treated. You can do this by practising the correct pronouns in-person as well as outside of the conversations with someone. You are walking the talk when you’re actively correcting yourself, even when you’re alone or have less accountability. Being committed to referring to someone correctly also means finding ways to politely and accurately correct others’ mistakes too. If appropriate, you could pull someone aside and politely explain the mistake, something like: “I’m sure it was an accident, but [insert name] has said their pronouns are [insert pronouns].” Like anything, it will get easier with practice. 

4. Don’t be hard on yourself 

Everyone makes mistakes, be empathetic to yourself first and it will lend to the compassion you show towards others. Each mistake is an opportunity for learning and so if we approach it this way, mistakes don’t need to rule our emotions; it was simply an error – we readjust and move forward.  Although it can be uncomfortable and embarrassing to make a mistake, it’s how you act after that determines how the other person will perceive you. By making a mistake, acknowledging it, and apologising, you are inviting others to respond prosocially. In this sense, people are more likely to accept your apology and move on when they know you did not intend to harm them. Embarrassment is a prosocial emotion. People are empathetic to embarrassment and are willing to forgive genuine mistakes.   

Occasionally, there are those who make mistakes intentionally. If you find someone actively discriminating against someone, or not aligning with university values, there are processes to act. You can find out more about what to do in those cases within our Addressing Bullying, Harassment and Discrimination Policy and Procedures.