Making a mistake: Oh no! I’ve made a mistake, what do I do?

We all make mistakes, especially when we try new things. It’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s important to respond appropriately when they happen.

Here are some ways to approach incorrectly using someone’s pronouns or name: 

1. Apologise and correct yourself.  

Apologise, correct your mistake, and move on. Acknowledging your mistake upfront shows your intention to respect the other person.  For example, “…he said – sorry, she said…”

2. Don’t make it a big deal 

Overcorrecting yourself and becoming distraught can cause more attention to be drawn to the misgendering that occurred and can make the person you’ve misgendered feel as though they need to comfort you. That is not fair to ask of them at this moment. Apologies can be brief and non-dramatic. 

3. If someone corrects you, thank them!

When someone corrects a mistake we make in speaking about someone, it’s an act of generosity on their part. Thank them for calling you in and inviting you to do better next time. Then, adjust your behaviour going forward.

For example:
“I love her jacket!”
“Their pronouns are actually they/them”
“Thanks for telling me. I love their jacket!” 

This is especially important when a person corrects you about their own pronouns. This is an incredibly vulnerable and scary thing to do, and they are showing a lot of trust in correcting you. 

4. Practice in private

If someone you know changes their name or pronouns, it may take a bit of practice to get used to. Spend some time talking about that person using the correct language. If you have any mutual friends, see if they will be your accountability buddy. Write the person a letter using the correct language. Doing this practice in private may make you more comfortable and less likely to make mistakes when you are around them. 

5. Get in the habit of correcting others when appropriate

Often, the burden of correcting language falls on the people who have been misspoken about. If you know a person is out and is comfortable with you correcting people on their behalf, do so. This is a wonderful way to be an active ally. Correct people’s language, even if the affected person is not around to hear you. 

Occasionally, there are those who make mistakes intentionally. If you find someone actively discriminating against someone or not aligning with university values, there are processes to act. You can find out more about what to do in those cases within our Addressing Bullying, Harassment and Discrimination Policy and Procedures. You can also reach out to the Student Support Adviser Rainbow for support in navigating these instances.